March 23, 2004

Die Metrosexual, Die!

I hate the whole fucking metrosexual... thing. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I especially hate Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and I want to beat the Fab Five with sticks. Except for Jai, who I want to kick in the mouth and then beat with sticks.

The message of all these shows that celebrate the crassly image-conscious consumerist trend that is metrosexuality goes something like this: "You're too boring with your own personality, so buy some of ours. Look! It's Prada!"

Hate!

Hate hate hate hate hate!

Which is, ironically, why I am so happy about the launch of Conde Nast's new shopping magazine for men, Cargo. Flipping through one of the many many many unsold copies at my local newsstand, I have to agree with one critic's assessment that it's "nothing but all the kinds of stuff I skip over in other magazines".

If it hasn't hit your newsstand yet, I would describe it to you as a toned-down version of Abercrombie and Fitch's recently retired porn-tastic magalog, only with less bare manflesh and, amazingly, fewer articles.

That is to say, it's like A&F Quarterly, minus all of the reasons why anyone might ever want to read A&F Quarterly.

Critics are already predicting that Cargo is going to crash and burn in a major way, and I can't help but cheer its imminent demise. Let this be the first step in the end of an odious consumer trend.

Back to hell with you, awful magazine, and take those pointy-headed Queer Eye people with you.

Posted by Peter at March 23, 2004 04:40 PM
Comments

Peter, I think you might enjoy the recent South Park episode where the entire town goes metrosexual until it's revealed that the Fab Five are not actually gay men, but Crab People.

But don't be mean to poor Jai. He's a gentle soul who's just trying to spread his message of love, sweet love, to the world.

Posted by: Karen at March 24, 2004 08:16 AM

Have you watched much Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? One of the things I love about that show is how they really tailor the makeovers/ home design/ etc. to the individual guy. There are times that the interior designer even says, "I can't believe I designed this room" because he's incorporated so much of the straight guy's personality into the decor. The Boom Boom room is a good example, as is the guy with a lot of African masks/ ethnic sensibilities.

Karen, I loved that South Park episode! V. funny!

Posted by: Heather Shaw at March 24, 2004 03:48 PM

Heather, I think I've probably seen about a third of the first season at this point. I watched the whole QE marathon on Bravo last time I was at my folks' place, because there's nothing else to do there. And occasionally I'll catch an episode at my boyfriend's place. He doesn't share my hatred. (Except for our shared hatred of Jai, who we both think needs a good swift kick in the mouth.)

I'll concede, it's not a mean-spirited a show, the way Boy Meets Boy was, or that one on Comedy Central -- Straight Eye for the whatever whatever. And there are bits that are genuinely touching -- like the guy proposing to his girlfriend under that Arabian Nights canopy? Very very sweet.

But that's not what bothers me. It's the overall message of the show that I object to: Expensive clothes make you better. Skin care makes you better. Seventy dollar haircuts make you better. I mean, whatever happened to the idea that appearances are, like, superficial? And the shameless product placements make me gag every single time.

Posted by: Peter at March 24, 2004 06:31 PM

Well I sort of hate Queer Eye too, yet sometimes watch it for some reason. I hate how it's gay street/straight street. I'm like, hello? Where are the people who don't live on THOSE streets? And the consumerism is absurd. And also, I hate how they are selling the image of homosexuality as your friend because they have TASTE. Well, I know a lot of homosexual men who have none, thank you, and I think it's a poor selling point for acceptance in mainstream culture anyway.

Hating with you.

Posted by: Chris Barzak at March 24, 2004 10:07 PM

Let me be contrarian and shallow for a moment, but I think skin care does make you better.

Also, the $70 haircuts and $800 sweaters is a tactic that is common to every fashion magazine or television show and it does not mean you have to be trust-fund rich to play along. You're not expected to go to Emporio Armani and buy the same stuff. You go to normal stores and approximate the look for 1/10 the cost.

I can't stand to watch QE too much, but I like the fact that they go to different stores every time and pick out different clothes; you don't get a cookie-cutter approach, you get exposed to a lot of different looks and approaches, and maybe you find the one that's right for you if you feel you need change.

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